I have been a shitty blogger as of late. I had big news I just didn’t want to blog it yet in case of jinxage. I am, unfortunately, one of those people that believe in the ‘if it’s too good to be true it probably is’ aspect of life.
Well, I should fear no longer now since today was my first day in my brand spanking new job! APPLAUSE X2! LOL I am soo happy. It seems like a great company with great pay, benefits, and recognition for doing well. The people there are all super nice and welcoming. I am going to be a customer service associate for a healthcare company. They seem to be doing well too so I don’t think it’s a job I’ll be losing due to down sizing. I asked that question during the interview just in case.
Due to this new job I have put in my two weeks at the job that is the bane of my existance. GOOD BYE PATHMARK I WON’T MISS YOU ONE DAMN BIT! July first will be my last day there and I sooo can’t wait. Everyone’s pure unhappiness with the job there just leaks into your pores giving you a sense of dread as soon as you clock in. I hate it there. It’s the equivalent of getting your tooth pulled with no novacaine. I feel like such an adult now. Making real dollars with my own benefits. I am glowing with happiness- truly!
I’ll be able to take steps towards the realize/lap band now. I truly want to do that surgery. Oddly enough a fellow(brand new) co-worker just shared with me that she had the procedure done about 6 months ago and has lost a total of 60 pounds. Pretty sweet because I had only lost 25 pounds in five months. I like the fact that weight loss is gradual because I really don’t know if the excess skin removal would be covered after I lose all the weight and I will be damned if I am a good size and have to tuck in my tummy flap-feel me? I really feel like this procedure will be good for me. I am tired of being big. It’s not like I am getting this surgery as a way out either. I am doing this because I have tried losing weight au natural for years and I haven’t had the greatest success. I am tired of being heavy and feeling so unattractive and down on myself that I doubt every move I make. I realize this is not a quick fix but it will help my attitude immensely as well as improve my health.
My confidence is soo shot to hell I can’t even tell if someone is flirting with me. My wifey boo aka sister in crime has to point it out and I am all about saying pshaw he’s just being nice or hes joking. I always assume they’re joking to poke fun at the big girl or just trying to boost a big girls shriveled ego. It pains me to feel this way. I know it’s lame but to talk about my middle school years but in 8th grade I was madly enraptured with this boy and as a dare he hugged me. It made my year(I said pathetic) until someone informed me that “You know —– was dared to do that right?” I WASN’T EVEN HEAVY THEN JUST A CURVY 13 YEAR OLD! How society fucks you up! So I assumed there was something wrong with me from the beginning of the “dating” years. Letting people step all over me making me feel like shit so I consumed every thing in site bringing me to the creature I am today.
I wish some people would understand how not every big person is this tragic mess. I am not a tragic mess- I didn’t become fat because I am a slovenly and gluttenous. I have real psychological issues and I am dealing with the messy bits in between. I wish people were kinder to people of my size. It’s hard for me to stomach skinny or healthy women bitching about how disgusting fat people are because that is a generalization. I do not consider myself disgusting. I consider myself a major work in progress. You don’t know what goes through each persons mind or each persons background to just assume if a person is big they are selfish because they don’t want to put down the big macs on whoppers. Any whooo I guess this happy blog turned into a rant but I hadn’t blogged in forever. I’ll try and update tomorrow to keep the ball rolling. I miss blogging.