I want to say goodbye. I want to be the selfish, gluttenous, dumb, bitch that I am and say good bye. At this moment, right now, I don’t want to keep going. I am such a mess. Pretty shure I didn’t get the job. Pretty shure I have no other takers. My mom’s pissed at me because I haven’t been cooking and honestly I didn’t realize she was hungry. I thought I was doing well delegating the tasks of whats right and cleaning my fair share but aparently I haven’t done a very good job.
When I was a kid I thought I’d be this great person. This girl everyone liked and admired. A star. A singer. I wanted to sing on stage and let everyone love me. Of course I was a dumb kid. Big boned with frizzy curls picked on by every kid around.
I got to 9th grade and I thought; high school will be better. High school only helped me realize I am just another nonenitity in society. I grew bigger with each sad thought. With each failure. With each rejection. Now… here I am. Well over 300 pounds crying my eyes out thinking I am so not good enough for this world. Too sensitive. Too weak. I won’t do it you know. I won’t kill myself. Didn’t succeed when I was 17 did I? Because there is a big part of me that believes I can turn this around, write a memoir, make a movie, become a singer, and follow my dreams. I really wish I could get my shit together long enough to make ONE thing happen. Sometimes all I need is a real hug when I am hysterical like this. Someone to kiss my tears away and tell me it’ll be okay. But when I am like this I am very much alone. Over thinking every shitty bull shit thing I have done in my life. Wrapping it up to patheticness. But my mark hasn’t been made so how can I let go? I argue with myself even in my blog. Don’t call the suicide hotline on me or anything. Typing this has helped me a great deal. I think if I cry a little harder and make a plan or something… I don’t know. I have to go pick up my sister otherwise I’d write more.