turn me off this switch ain’t worth being on

I want to say goodbye. I want to be the selfish, gluttenous, dumb, bitch that I am and say good bye. At this moment, right now, I don’t want to keep going. I am such a mess. Pretty shure I didn’t get the job. Pretty shure I have no other takers. My mom’s pissed at me because I haven’t been cooking and honestly I didn’t realize she was hungry. I thought I was doing well delegating the tasks of whats right and cleaning my fair share but aparently I haven’t done a very good job.

When I was a kid I thought I’d be this great person. This girl everyone liked and admired. A star. A singer. I wanted to sing on stage and let everyone love me. Of course I was a dumb kid. Big boned with frizzy curls picked on by every kid around.
I got to 9th grade and I thought; high school will be better. High school only helped me realize I am just another nonenitity in society. I grew bigger with each sad thought. With each failure. With each rejection. Now… here I am. Well over 300 pounds crying my eyes out thinking I am so not good enough for this world. Too sensitive. Too weak. I won’t do it you know. I won’t kill myself. Didn’t succeed when I was 17 did I? Because there is a big part of me that believes I can turn this around, write a memoir, make a movie, become a singer, and follow my dreams. I really wish I could get my shit together long enough to make ONE thing happen. Sometimes all I need is a real hug when I am hysterical like this. Someone to kiss my tears away and tell me it’ll be okay. But when I am like this I am very much alone. Over thinking every shitty bull shit thing I have done in my life. Wrapping it up to patheticness. But my mark hasn’t been made so how can I let go? I argue with myself even in my blog. Don’t call the suicide hotline on me or anything. Typing this has helped me a great deal. I think if I cry a little harder and make a plan or something… I don’t know. I have to go pick up my sister otherwise I’d write more.


4 thoughts on “turn me off this switch ain’t worth being on

  1. God, you remind me so much of myself it’s scary. All the things you have wrote I’ve been there, experienced them. I, too, thought that I was going to make my mark on this world. I had to realize that I needed to scale down my dreams to smaller ones to fulfill the big picture. You WILL make something of yourself so don’t worry. If you ever need a friend to talk to that actually understands where you’re coming from since I know how it is to have friends that don’t really get why you’re upset and all, you can always e-mail me or contact me through AIM or whatever. Just know that things WILL get better and you CAN turn this around. Don’t lose hope. People don’t realize that losing weight and conquering weight issues is a battle … a literal fight for your life! It’s so scary at times because one never realizes how truly messed up everything is until they start trying to fix their life. Once you start fixing things it’s like a whirlwind of other things that need to be fixed and so on. Just keep your chin up and you will make it!

  2. *hugs* I don’t know what to say, except that you’ve got a support from me and the others — Brandy, Dan, Leslie, etc. — who read your blog. We care about you and support you. I know we’re not there *with* you, but we’ll do whatever we can from afar.

  3. Krystal, I hope it doesn’t sound fake, but you are really in my thoughts a lot. I do care about you, even if from afar, and I hope I don’t ever sound callous regarding all of the things you go through. Many hugs.

  4. Love,
    I already told you that everything will be ok and although I believe I left my mark on your yesterday I still keep u in my prayers at night. I told you that I am always here for you and I hope that I proved that to you yesterday when I flocked to you in your desperate time of need:D I love you girl!! And even though we haven’t known each other for a very long time, I feel as if you are my sister, my other back bone and that we will be BFF’s Forever. Just think positive and know that there is success out there for everyone. Just keep doing what you do, keep your head up and let nothing stop your stride. Although I think if someone was to get in our way we’d probably demolish them lmao (a lil inside big girl humor to make u chuckle) But for real. I adore u nena and I know that sooner or later everything will be ok.
    Love U

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