Been killing me for days and days it seems But the truth is the thing I fear I just don’t understand


“In a gentle way, you can shake the world”- my fortune cookie. What does the cookie know what I weigh?

This a happy post and a dramaish post. Not really dramaish but… another one of those brutally honest posts. If you’re my friend you’ll prob get pissed off so I am apologizing ahead of time. Okay? Kay.

Cool news; today I had taken a test for this job as a customer service rep for this company and I passed. It was a typing and customer service quiz and I did well and was asked for another interview tomorrow. I am super psyched because I make zero money at my current part time job so hopefully I’ll be able to get this job and take care of my monetary situation so I can get out of my parents house and be a grown up : )

I have been doubting myself with everything lately because I haven’t been going to the gym. I haven’t been able to afford the measely twenty bucks for it. I have to pay it today though because I have been pretty depressed with my weight and looks situation. I don’t even want to get on a scale and see how much I have gained. I seriously don’t. I am not going to weight watchers either and that was a great support system but twelve dollars a week is quite a bit when I only make one hundred a week. A hundred a week. At twenty two its pretty miserable to see that amount. My sister was on unemployment and made almost twice that a week. But at least I have a job! : )

I have come to a major decision on my weight this week. I have decided as soon as I have health insurance I am getting the Realize band. The Realize band is the same as a lap band which is a small band they put around your stomach to strict your intake of food. It helps you feel satisfied faster and with smaller portions of food. I had gone to a consultation last year and I wanted to do it but I lost my insurance once I hit twenty two and that was last October.Another big thing was the fact I can’t drink very much alcohol but alcohol isn’t worth my true happiness and health is it? I strived to lose the weight all on my own but I have two hundred pounds to lose. 2 double 0. It’s disgusting! Yeah, I had lost twenty five pound but it took five months. My health will just keep getting worse and I want to feel better about my self sooner. My best friend Toya is a strong believer that I should love myself as I am but how can I love myself when this is the size I am not supposed to be? I feel so ugly being this size. An unwanted size that can’t fit anywhere comfortably. I have to pay extra for my clothes due to the extra material and I never feel cute in them. Ugh. Size 24/26 ? GROSS! I just feel sooo unattractive! It’s gotten to the point that even if a guy asked me out on a date or wanted to be my boyfriend I would say no. Well, thats a lie, I’d say yes and be a total paranoid freak the entire time. Thinking; there must be something wrong with him to want me. Oh, he’s just going to cheat on me and find someone smaller. It sucks to be so insecure but like my friend Leslie says; “if you don’t like it fix it.” I am trying to fix it. The best thing for me now is to get the Realize band and lose weight a bit faster. About loving myself now… I do have to live in this big body and it was helping when I was going to the gym. Like I felt more confident but not 100%… It’s just hard sometimes. Like I desire love and a relationship like every other girl but I am realistic to realize it’s not going to happen anytime soon. It sucks but it’s true. Its like I am soo ready for failure I nit pick at any guy that has ever taken a small bit of interest. I am just sooo not loving myself and I think thats a big issue. Plus I always think long term. I don’t dive into things I don’t just think willy nilly frivolous. I have never had frivolous high school relationships. I would put my whole heart into it. That’s just how I am. I don’t have a heart tattooed on my sleeve(wrist) for nothing.Plus guys at my age are verrry shallow. Even when I was wayy smaller dudes made fun of me soo hardcore they shaped me into this blubbering rejected mess. I trust no man and second guess myself with every dude. I am awkward around men I like and its sad. It’s really fucking sad.

Sometimes I am overly hard on myself but I’d rather be hard on myself than have someone else make fun of me and tear me down. I’m pretty low to floor as it is I don’t want anyone to bring me sub basement level. What hurts even worse is when I was 14-17 I wasn’t even that big. I just felt I was so big because all of my friends were so much smaller. Like 90-115 smaller. I weigh 180-220 during those years at the heigh 5’8 which wasn’t even that bad. I could’ve lost 40 pounds quickly but instead I dived into food and became so depressed instead of accepting my differences. I was a curvy girl and now I am a certified fat chick. COULDA WOULDA SHOULDA, HUH? Take note of my failures, young ones, I have a loooong road ahead of me now. Wish me luck.

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4 thoughts on “Been killing me for days and days it seems But the truth is the thing I fear I just don’t understand

  1. Wow, I can so relate to your post in every way. I am a bigger girl myself and have around the same amount of weight to lose. Maybe we could support each other? I recently got married so since I’ve tied the knot I desperately want to lose the weight. And yes, guys your age are shallow and are losers but you will find a good guy one day. He’s waiting!! I didn’t meet mine until I was 23/24 but he was definitely worth the wait! I am going to bookmark your site so I can come back and see how you’re doing. It’s nice to know I’m not the only “fat chick” on the net, lol.

  2. I agree with Toya that you should love yourself for who you are. But at the same time, I completely understand being uncomfortable in your own skin. I got picked on throughout all of primary school for being chubby and eventually developed an eating disorder. Don’t let bullies’ harsh words or your own paranoia get the best of you, but do your best to stay healthy and lose the weight if that’s what will make you happy. In terms of going for the lap band, I say go for it as long as you’ve done extensive research. Also, read Jenn’s blog at jenn.nu. She had gastric bypass surgery last year and she’s SUCH an inspiration for people aiming toward a healthier lifestyle. And no matter what the future holds for you, remember that you’re an awesome person and that is what you’re truly defined by.

  3. Ok chick I feel ya on everything you just said! Now about the gym I haven’t been able to bring myself to go in there alone soooo when you do get your membership up and running again let me know when you want to go cause for some reason I just can’t go in there alone. I’ve asked Chris over and over again to go with me but for some reason he “conveniently” falls asleep or has to do something or even has told me he didn’t hear me ask! We can push eachother! So anytime just let me know please! hehe

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