Before you read this check the disclaimer.
Since when did being fat mean you’re easy? I really want to know because who ever told men that need to recognize. Men really think I am an easy lay sometimes and the truth is I am a Virgin with a capital V. I may be 22, almost 23, but I believe that your virginity, your body, SEX, is sacred and should only be shared with someone I give more than a flying fuck about and so far I haven’t found that one person. It’s not only that but I am very insecure with my body and sex usually means lots of nakedness and I am not ready for that.
Now, don’t get me wrong I want to happen SOMETIME but when I am ready. I will not be used. My momma raised us kids that sex is important and you should wait until you’re married but you know what I think she realizes that it is not going to be like that for all of us. Who knows when or if I will get married. I doubt I will wait for that but i will wait for a secure, real, sincere, relationship.
What brought this all along is a few men at my job have hit on me assuming I was that kind of girl and I know in the past I have received such advances by very disgusting, leery, and icky men. I have heard from a couple of guys that “the big ones do more stuff.” EW! I will not please anyone with sex for my own insecurities or to feel like oh em gee a man actually wants me. I want relationships not some dudes penis to fill a void with in me. I am stronger than that.
When I was in middle school and high school I was this stupid, hopeless, silly, romantic. I wrote poems about boys, I wrote them creepy notes, and I was never able to speak to them properly. I still fudge it up but I am damn proud of my progress. I just think back to those times and I am just like wow how shallow was I? To “love” all of these boys so fiercely that their rejections brought me closer and closer to depression. Why did I let them control my happiness? Why did I let them call me fat when I wasn’t even THAT big when I was younger? I was just a bit bigger boned and more thick than the average tweens. I truly believe if I ignored the bull shit and bullies I wouldn’t be the size I am today. If I didn’t turn to food for my loneliness I doubt I would be struggling right now.
I got a long way to go. 170 pounds to go.I shouldn’t look at this number wholly but it is the ultimate goal. I am taking things piece by piece so I can be secure with myself. I know I switched topics drastically I just can’t help when I work out (which I did today for an hour and burned 660 calories WHAT WHAT!) I think about EVERYTHING THAT IS DRIVING ME TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT. A lot of it is the past. The past drives me and the happiness the future will bring me. Honestly a lot of it is me chanting; arm rests arm rests arm rests, booths booths booths, roller coasters roller coasters roller coasters, cheaper clothes cheaper clothes, and sometimes IN YOUR FACE IN YOUR FACE IN YOUR FACE! It is nice to post my weight as I go down and to be a bit of an inspiration. Arm rests, roller coasters, and booths are all the fat girl friendly. I hate asking the hostess quietly a head of time for a table instead of a booth before we sit. It’s degrading and sad. I also think a little that if I were thinner I’d be able to get a job at a hospital or doctors office easier because I appear healthier for such an environment. I am soo hurting for money right now it’s RIDIC! I want to start selling things on etsy but I haven’t even had the money to buy the initial things to make the headbands and yarn dogs to sell. Sorry for the random post but you understand I gotta let it out sometimes. p.s. this is the song that really gets my ass moving on the elliptical :