I wanted to write two letters to myself in the increments of ten years. I wanted to write a letter to my twelve year old self and my 32 year old self. I want to always have these so I can read them in the future to remind myself of who I was and who I can be.
Dear my Twelve Year old Self,
Life can and will be hell. You’re probably staring out the window wishing you weren’t in this shitty state called Delaware but this is your home for at least the next ten years. When you first moved here you felt a twinkle of change and hope. Then they shot you down. The people who don’t care if they are tearing a young girl down they are just going to rip you one for no reason.
There are going to be moments when you feel like; “Why are they so mean to me?” and the answer is they are weak. They are weak, judgmental and easy to pick on those who are different. You may feel like you’re bigger than everyone else and you are. You are compared to everyone else and that’s okay. You’re normal in your own right. Don’t take solace in the food. That food won’t love you back even if it tastes so good. Trust me, you’ll thank me if you just don’t eat it. Ignore them the best you can or soak it in and save the anger for the justice. The justice that karma and time will give you. Those kids who picked on you won’t be doing much. They’re getting high while the kids they had too early are probably going hungry. They still live with their parents not because they want to but because they are strapped with felony charges and can’t get a job. This justice is better than killing them because I know you wish them dead.
Enjoy being twelve. Enjoy the friendship of your middle school friends and not worrying about what you have to deal with in the future. Love O-town freely and not give a damn what anyone thinks. Embrace your curls and don’t love too hard. You don’t love J—- he’s mildly cute, very tall, and sorta charming in that way. But I hate to break it to you dollface, he won’t ever care for you back. Maybe its the fact you’re too intense for twelve. Writing poems about boys are okay just don’t give it to them. It will scare them and be paper ammunition for later. He will probably make fun of you in front of his friends and that’s okay, really it is, he’s just a boy and that’s what they do. The other boys that year? They’re no good either so don’t cry over their sneers at your eager face. They want more than you’re willing to give anyway. Why break your heart so early? Be true to yourself and don’t give up. Try and seek the lighter moments and bathe in it. Keep writing your stories too and don’t lose that one the Boy Next Door because then I won’t go crazy looking for it now.
Your Future Self
p.s. Many of the people you talk to know will disappear or drift away. That’s part of life and you’ll be alright.
Dear My Thirty Two Year Old self,
Wow you’re in your thirties! I hope you aren’t living at home anymore. If you’re alone that’s cool. I hope you’re at least enjoying womanhood by dating copious amounts of men. Just don’t be a slut. Are you okay? Do you need help? If you do don’t be afraid to ask because you’re human. Being human means making tons of mistakes and you know that. Are you totally fabulously wealthy? Damn, must be nice! Make sure you share. Sharing feels good and gives you that warm fuzzy feelings right down to your toes. You know the feeling, right? Are you married? If you are damn I so didn’t think you could pull it off by getting your head out your ass and uncovering your shaded eyes to find a good man. If you are married make sure your man gets booty so he doesn’t go looking elsewhere. If he has cheated why are you still with him? Kick his ass to the curb even if that means being alone. Believe me I hate being alone right now but I know I have to get healthier before I meet a goody. I hope you kept up with your weight loss. If you didn’t are you at least HEALTHY? If not get it together bitch you hated your fat ass. Do you have kids? If you do make sure you remember being a kid. Be up front, honest, and open to everything. Watch Disney movies together but remind them there is tough times out there too. Love them unconditionally and remind them beauty is in everything. Remember you weren’t an angel so you know your way around a long car ride, okay? Take care of yourself and remember work isn’t everything; life is!
Your twenty two year old self
p.s. Don’t get so wrapped up in the future. The now is where it’s at. Love life girl and take a damn vacation.