Always weigh what I’ve got against what I left

Look, before you watch this video… It’s not about me crying out for help. It’s not about me begging for kind words. It is not about e-mailed optimism. Even though I love kind words and optimism. It’s just… A wake up call. I am always brutally honest when it comes to myself. This is just another part that honesty. I warn you it’s seeing me at my worst and it’s not flattering. But as I say at the end of the video this is for ME. For me to have on record before I go off the deep end again how it hurts to feel this way. Why I am doing this in the first place, why I am blogging and my ultimate goal. I don’t even want to post the picture of my weight gain. It’s 2.2 pounds and I am very ashamed of myself.

I pressed stop prematurely but I really didn’t have much else left to say. I haven’t watched it yet. I am going to save it for whenever I feel like eating an extra piece of something thats out of my points range. I think alcohol attributed an ounce or two so I should definitely limit my intake on that next time. I ask you all, after watching that, to just give a little prayer for me. I am not super religious or anything like that but I do believe in kind energy. I could use quite a bit of that as I struggle with my stupid job and this job hunt not to mention my lifestyle changes. So a kind thought or two would be lovely.


12 thoughts on “Always weigh what I’ve got against what I left

  1. Krystal, this blog REALLY struck me and I mean it. When I texted you to let you know you touched me, I mean it! I am so proud of you for showing yourself to us. I want you to trust us enough to share your feelings. We are here for you every step of the way. And when I say “we” I mean the group of us that love you online.

    Today, I broke down and cried hysterically, just as you did.

    “I’m so alone. I don’t have anybody”. I said this so many times today in my little crying fit. Krystal, I know EXACTLY how you feel! While you’re feeling guilty about the SMALL amount of pounds you gained, I was feeling guilty for doubting God.

    Krystal, you are NOT alone. I will tell you that a large chunk of the people that are “nice” to you online are just in it for a comment to be returned, but you do have wonderful people online that DO love you. I am here on the side, supporting you. I appreciate your honesty and your bravery. You’re showing a side of us that I only keep to myself. I can’t even show this emotion to Todd or my family, because I am so private about my feelings.

    The small amount of weight gain is normal and definitely not something you should hate yourself for. Remember, Krystal, this is a journey to a better help – a JOURNEY. You will take 2 steps forward and then a few back, and then continue to move forward. That is how we learn. You know you’re worth it. You know you owe it to yourself to keep going.

    Money is always an issue and like you, I feel like I’ve dumped so much money on “bettering” myself, when I don’t have ANY money.

    “I don’t want to be this girl anymore”
    This is what really broke it down for me, because I’ve said that exact quote before, when battling depression. You are a strong, wonderful girl and do not ever forget that.

    Love ya, Krystal! Don’t forget about how strong and amazing you truly are!

    • i pretty much texted you my reply yesterday. Thank you soo much for being there for me and continuing to be such a valuable and amazing friend. I love you girl. Hopefully we’ll both be okay with each of our unique situations. At least we have each other and our other friends to lean on. Bran, if you feel like that at a moment and you don’t want to show todd how you’re feeling you can call me. I don’t mind listening. love ya babe!

  2. this is a journey to a better help – a JOURNEY. I meant a better YOU, not help.

    Excuse the amount of grammatical errors and so on. When I get passionate about a comment, all the English education drilled in my brain goes out the window!

  3. Hitting rock bottom is hard. I’ve been there. It’s hard. But you have to pull yourself up. Think of everything that you want to experience (roller coasters, that trip to Las Vegas), and the things that you don’t want to experience again (rejection from men, embarrassment while out in public, etc.), and USE that as your motivation. Reward yourself for hitting goals, but do so with anything *but* food. A manicure, new hair color, jewelry, a new top, etc.

    It’s so hard, believe me, I know. I started at 331 lbs., which is only 24 lbs. less than where you’re at now. You *can* do it. Get under 350, then work towards getting under 325, then under 300. As you go, you’ll be so elated at your progress that you’ll be more encouraged to keep going

    *hugs* Hang in there. I know this is a rough time for you, but it will get better.

  4. As another woman who has been in your situation – my heart and prayers go out to you! I was also overweight not long ago and decided one day to put my foot down and lose the weight. I had weeks I would weigh-in and not be satisfied or even worse.. I WOULD GAIN. I would sob and break down because it literally broke me in two. But you know what? I learned to pick myself back up and get drudging forward! That just because I had a bad week and a bad weigh-in, I was NOT going to let that bring me down and so I learned to give it my all and to bring forth that true motivation.

    BELIEVE in yourself! YOU ARE WORTH IT! We are all worth it!!! Take your life and make it what you want it to be! You can do this and you are not alone! *hugs*

  5. Pingback: And life’s too short for me to stop Oh baby, your time is running out. « Confessions Of A Certified Fat Chick

  6. Wow. This video almost made me cry! Don’t be so hard on yourself, you just really have to pull yourself up, like Jenn said. I know it’s a very hard journey but you can definitely do it!! I believe in you and I believe that you can. I will admit that having the part time job may be putting a strain on your fitness plan, but you just really have to work around that in some way. You are a gorgeous girl and you deserve to have everything you want and be everything that you want in life, your time will come!

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