I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want to let this happen. GAHHHH. These past two weeks I haven’t measured properly, I had four cocktails, fried food, and only went to the gym a total of five times. Plus I have missed meetings. Tomorrow I am going after missing last week. I am afraid to face the scale. I am afraid to see a jump in numbers due to my lackadaisical attitude these past two weeks. I don’t want to blame the snow… but I am attributing it to my “falling off the wagon.” Urgh, I am so mad at myself! If I destroyed everything in this past week and a half I am going to be devastated. I have worked very, very, hard for those 13 pounds. I need to lose more for my health and sanity. I mean hellooo have you not heard about the Kevin Smith fiasco on the plane? If not click here. You see, I am too fat to fly in an airplane seat. I really am. I struggled at 90 pounds lighter two years ago on southwest airlines. I fit and I could buckle but that shit was UNCOMFORTABLE. I never fly. I never go anywhere. Now, if I wanna go to Vegas, I realize I have to wait a year until I lose the weight because there is no fucking way I am going to pay for two tickets because I am so large. It makes me sad that I am inhibited in enjoying myself right now as I go through this process but I guess that’s why I am here in the first place. I am not trying to do a woe is me act. I really, really, really, am not. This is my blog. This is what I am feeling today. I feel fatter than usual. I feel less me. I feel unattractive. I feel unwanted. I am scared. It’s these ugly feelings that bring me to eat. I need to sleep… I have been working the third shift again… It’s fucking with my moods, my eating schedule, my workouts, and my sleep. My precious, sleep apneafilled sleep.
There is a lot missing with my life. Mainly, it’s the romance. I have never had it. Never. I am about to be twenty three and I don’t know what it’s like to be held in a way that portrays desire… Like true desire. None of this you’re here right now I am willing to bone you because you are here and no one else wants to at the moment. I could use some male support in a way of like yes, you’re beautiful even though you’re heavy and I am here for you as you better yourself for your health. But if a guy wants me now doesn’t that make him have low standards? Would I want a man who has low standards to want a girl who is 350 pounds? I blame my pessimism on many things on this subject; A.) the guys I am acquainted with a very shallow. B.) My lack of male friends. c.) The media. D.) My low self esteem in a whole. There are days when I feel like, facial wise, I am the prettiest bitch in the room, hands down.(Well, not in a cocky ass way but you feel meh.) Then other days, such as today, I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. It’s disheartening. I need to stop thinking like this but… This is me. This is how I feel.
I am not eating right now or anything. At the moment I am just pissed off at my hair. I put a boxed relaxer in this piece because I have such super duper curly hair and I wanted it straight for the rest of winter but now the red color is all gone and it feels like straw. Sorry for all the negativity today.
On another note entirely, Valentine’s day was spent with my girls, Alyson, Brandy, Cheryl, and Robin. (ALPHABETICAL ORDER for fairness) Some photos:
there is even an unfortunate video..
you gotta click here to watch it because I am lazy. If that link doesn’t work check out Brandy’s blog
because she posted it on there.
I call my dancing the fat girl drunk jiggle… Ah those vodka cranberries…
Well, enough of my saddy, paddy, blog. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.