Free- is all that she could bleed That’s why’ll she’ll never stay

Man I have a headache. I woke up uber late because I was having these amazing dreams about these guys I have been rejected by. Rejected, made fun of, laughed at- all that because I liked them. It’s funny because in high school? I wasn’t even THAT big. I was big to society’s standards. Seriously, I was about 180 my sophomore year.
I was probably 200 there because that was my junior year. It was the first year I was playing field hockey so it was “freshman friday” because it was my first year I got written all over my face. So anyway, I look at this picture and it pisses me off. Why did I let everyone get to me about my weight ?I wasn’t that heavy! All I could think of was how boys didn’t like me so something was wrong with me dadadada DUH! So I let my emotions go fucktard and ate. I ate myself into 167 pounds in less that four years. It’s funny how I’d kill to be that size again. I let peoples judgements get the best of me instead of just letting it be. I could have lost the twenty or so pounds to go down to a normal, healthy, weight but instead I developed SEVERE depression and in short tried to end my life at just seventeen. I went to a “hospital” for a time, was prescribed welbutrin xl, and was given some serious therapy. Some help was more helpful than others. Honestly, I still have some hardcore issues. Some days I want to die because it seems like life is just going to get worse, stress is going to get worse, and I am not equipped to handle it. I make a shitty adult and have yet to make real adult decisions. I make hardly any money, I don’t have a car, I have zero in savings, destroyed credit,I live at home with my parents, and I can’t find a job in the field I graduated from. So it’s at moments when all of that hits me,and I realize I am going to be 23 this year, that I feel like it will all be easier if I just died. But it’s a selfish notion. I need to go back to therapy and have someone help me sort out my mess. Give me a ray of sunshine on my cloudy days. I can’t believe my parents were married with a house at my age. I feel like a dumb ass! I have never even been in a relationship before let alone thought of being married! There are days, like today, when all I want is someone to hold me and whisper sweet things to me. Guys, I am straight, but it’s come to the point if a woman wants to be my companion I would give it a shot. But then it gets to the part of feeling that kind of attraction and I just don’t feel it. I want the masculinity of a man’s touch and love. You can’t help what you feel. This is all I am feeling before breakfast so go fucking figure. What do you guys think? What helps when you guys feel lost? Any single guys out there that doesn’t mind a fatty that’s going to lose this weight? I am like a fixer upper. Put some investment in me for a year and I’ll be a certified hot chick. Real Estate gold!


12 thoughts on “Free- is all that she could bleed That’s why’ll she’ll never stay

  1. I don’t think weight necessarily has anything to do with finding a significant other. You will find someone, don’t worry. I am very skinny, but I still didn’t get my first real boyfriend until I was 18. While all the other girls my age had boyfriends at like 14 and 15. I always felt like something was wrong with me, but you have to be patient. Your knight in shining armor will come along soon enough. Be warned, being in love is amazing, but it also has a very dark side. I know all about that. haha

  2. I agree with Britney. I do not think weight prevents you from finding love – it is men. Men are this way with every girl that isn’t a slut. It is our generation and our age group that just wants, to put it bluntly, to fuck.

    You’re gorgeous, Krystal. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself!

    • Men are so shallow and it kills me because I would be such a good girlfriend I know it. Lord knows I am not ready to just have sex and thats it. Thanks I’ll try and be less hard on myself but it’s hard.

  3. Men are picky regardless of what size you are. I definitely agree with Britney. I was always super skinny growing up and I even got taunted for it, a lot actually. I believe that with time and patience you will find your prince charming. I will say this though, how you feel about yourself displays itself to others. You have to feel good and positive about yourself if you want a guy to feel good and positive about you. You are a gorgeous woman and I believe that you will reach your goal. The problem with the world today is that we compare ourselves to others so much. Don’t worry about the fact that you’re 23 and haven’t done the things that your parents have. The truth of the matter is, you’re not your parents, you are Krystal and the way your life moves is at your own pace and that’s the only way it should be moving. You’re very determined, so I know you will reach your goal.

    • Thanks shannon. I just feel like I have been waiting a really long time . Thats true we all compare ourselves to others so much. Thanks I hope to reach my goal. You guys keep me strong.

  4. You will reach your goal. And trust me, you’re beautiful. I’m skinny and I would love to look like you! I felt exactly the same way through high school (I had terrible acne and was teased horribly for it the whole time, so it’s all I ever saw, all I ever thought about and if someone looked at me, immediately I’d think they were looking at how ugly my face was. It made my life a misery.) I know it’s a different issue, but just wanted you to know that I’ve felt the same about myself physically and got through it, though it still gets to me sometimes. I really, REALLY wish I hadn’t let the taunting bother me as much as it did.

    And you’re not the only one in the money/job situation. There are plenty of us in the same boat 🙂 The best thing to try and do is concentrate on how you can ake it better.

    You WILL find a boyfriend and it seems as though you’ll make a fab gf, too. Don’t call yourself a ‘fatty’ – you’re not. You can do it. A lot of the time, as Brandi commented, it’s men. If a guy is genuine, he will love you regardless of weight. And you will have that person.

    Sorry for the long comment! But you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself as you’re a beautiful girl with, as far as I’ve read, a whole lot to offer! 🙂

    • Don’t apologize for the long comment! I appreciate comments so much and yours was so sweet. Thank you a lot. I wanna look like you! MS Dita Von Teese lol I hope men come around soon because I am tired of being alone

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