I am down once more! I would’ve been more successful with another day of working out and tracking my intake of food better but at least I am down two whole pounds. 6 more pounds until my 5% and 24 pounds until my 10%. I am happy with my weight loss but upset and pissed off with everything else.
Once again I have lost a best friend. Seriously do I repel people so easily? Don’t even get me started on the friends from high school. I talk to like five of them. The first loss was with this girl who stopped being my friend after I acquired my D.U.I. when I had just turned 20. It was a mistake and shouldn’t have ever happened and I have been paying for it ever since. She cut me off right then and there. It shows she wasn’t a true friend because obviously a “best friend” would love you unconditionally. Love you for your flaws and accept them. Be disappointed in me, sure, but to tell me I don’t want to talk to you anymore because obviously you suck as a person? Inhumane. So then there was my friend Amber. I have tried calling her and calling her and nothing. I understand she has a lot going on… I want to be there for her. Usually she has no problem venting. I have no problem listening. I called and left her a voicemail that said “Hey, it’s Krystal, just checking on you because I haven’t heard from you in a thousand years. I wanted to see how you were doing and I am sorry about the loss of your grandmom. I wanted to check and see if we are still friends because you never call me back. So …” and I think I hung up on that note. Kinda bitchy? Not really, more honest than anything. I need my best friend right now. I need her to have my back on this serious life change I am making here. I need a friend to listen to me cry when I get uber depressed because my paycheck is 100 dollars. Instead I get silence.
She spoke to our mutual friend saying she’s not mad at me, just busy, but to that I say okay you have time to call her. So I am no longer trying. If she wants to talk to me thats fine she can find a way. What’s funny is my cell is about to be turned off because I haven’t had the money to pay the bill.
I have been concentrating on buying low fat, whole wheat, and wholesome foods which cost quite a bit more than my shitty chef boyardee cans. So I can spend at least 60 dollars on myself a week on groceries. I could spend more but I try not to. With 100 dollars a week… Man thats most of it plus prob ten or 20 dollars in each of my parents cars for when I go to work. (5 dollars every time I use it) Money just goes… It sucks. I just put an app in for a retirement home in PA with an employee’s referral so I am hoping that they call me back. 12 hours a week, at a place I hate working at, is not going to cut it. I work 1-2 days a week at Hollywood Video but that hardly counts because it’s 8 bucks an hour. I work there for the free flicks.
So, needless to say, I have been depressed this week. What with money, feeling like I have less and less people to count on, feeling lonely, and just plain annoyed. This song makes me feel less like shit and makes me wanna live another day though:
It’s sweet. Kinda corny I guess but sometimes you need corny. That’s why I really wanna see When in Rome. I need sweet, corny, nonsensical feel good things sometimes.
Sometimes I need the extra reminder that “this too shall pass.” Delaware, and the people in it, is not the only place or people in the world. So if they discard me like a used tissue… it just makes it easier for me to make a decision to leave. It’s just the money and car aspect that is making it completely impossible to do at the moment. But if I get a job in PA, get a kinda shitty car, maybe I can find a decent, small, apartment for me. I don’t know. We’ll see.