Playing on the narcissistic playground


So maybe I took Brandi’s post outta context. She was more saying that she hates when obese people blame skinny people for their problems and that they blame the world for their issue. There are certain obese people who do use their weight and make it a handicap. At my job I see it all the time. They use the scooters for their own lazy asses instead of walking when they full well can! Just because their weight is so immense that their ankles and feet hurt because of the weight doesn’t mean they are entitled to these scooters. There are handicapped people who cannot walk and they have to use them but if it’s all fat people using them how are they going to get a chance? That’s beat && I’ve seen it a thousand times. They’re just assholes.
I took her post as a direct baseball bat to my own face. I shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that she was attacking me or saying fat people are disgusting. But if you are at this emotional crosswords, like I am now, it’s easy to misconstrue everything that seems a little to what you’re feeling on that particular day. I am a very sensitive person. It’s hard to believe I have survived life this long honestly. I mean the way I take everything personally you would think I would have offed myself four years ago. Well, I did try but I realized life IS worth it and being that selfish is a sin.
I do want to shed some light on the issue I think I have that led to this 167 pound weight gain from high school. Because I have depression ( I took wellbutrin xl for that shizz when I was 17 made it wayy worse) I turned to food. Everyone likes food, yes? I want everyone to understand that, even though you may roll your eyes, that food addiction IS real.

Scientists at the U.S. Department of Energy’s Brookhaven National Laboratory have found that the mere display of food — where food-deprived subjects are allowed to smell and taste their favorite foods without actually eating them — causes a significant elevation in brain dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with feelings of pleasure and reward. This activation of the brain’s dopamine motivation circuits is distinct from the role the brain chemical plays when people actually eat, and may be similar to what addicts experience when craving drugs.

“Eating is a highly reinforcing behavior, just like taking illicit drugs,” said psychiatrist Nora Volkow, the study’s lead investigator. “But this is the first time anyone has shown that the dopamine system can be triggered by food when there is no pleasure associated with it since the subjects don’t eat the food. This provides us with new clues about the mechanisms that lead people to eat other than just for the pleasure of eating, and in this respect may help us understand why some people overeat.
These brain scans can be used to infer brain dopamine levels in the four experimental conditions (with and without food stimulation, paired with and without an oral dose of Ritalin). Note that the tracer signal in the Ritalin + food scan is significantly lower than the others. This is because the radiotracer competes with natural brain dopamine for binding to the receptor. When there is a lot of tracer bound (the first three conditions), it means there is not as much natural brain dopamine. When there is little tracer bound (as in the Ritalin + food scan), there is more natural brain dopamine occupying the receptor sites. So, it is an inverse relationship (a low tracer signal = a high dopamine level)

this is from Broohaven National Laboratory

It makes sense that I have used food as my own crack. It sounds lame, ridiculous, and an excuse but doesn’t it make more sense that I did this because my brain, being fucked up enough because of the depression, chose food as an outlet instead of turning to narcotics. If you see my family they are beautiful healthy people. My dad is big boned,I will always be big boned, but no one’s body is made to be 367 pounds. Why would I do this to myself knowing I WANT to be physically desirable especially at the tender ages of 17-22 when love is what we all want most of all. It’s because food is my own brand of crack. We all like food I just like it more than others. I’ve just been putting food first for so long that I need to break this habit. So I’m hoping weight watchers will be therapy for my issues because I sure can’t afford counseling. Although there is an overeaters anonymous right by my house I should peep.
I want to beat the odds and not succumb to my addiction. I want to be in People magazine showing how I lost 200 pounds. How my new svelte figure can fit in one pant leg of my old self. I just got to stop flying off the handle and calm myself.

Brandi, I want you to know you’re a dollface && I’m sorry for being a narcissistic fool.
“I’m a mess but I am cleaning up so well I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.”

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