not exactly FETCH


me in high school in my wrecked car before the wreck obvs. psh barely had a double chin then && i thought i was BIG then!

Hmm. This is going to be a very personal blog… maybe one I shouldn’t post but I don’t keep a diary and this is kinda like that. Except people read it. I mean its not gonna be LIKE THAT. I really don’t have awesome secrets like that but I just wanna put this out there because I’ve been thinking about it all day….

I’ve only kissed one guy sober. Maybe three others NOT. But the one sober guy? He was my only love. I admit this now when I neve

r do. It was soo high school. Soo tragic. Soo lame. He never wanted me. We<i> were</i> friends. It’s all kindsa complicated I’m sumamrize it this way. I wanted him like a fat kid wants cake and he just wanted to be friends but he went along with shit SOMETIMES.  Feel meh? But the way I loved him was I’d do anything for him. I’d love him so much I’d hate him for not wanting me in that way. I never understood that sometimes you just don’t like people like that. No matter <b>what</b>. Especially in high school when things are about status  && looks. He’ll never admit that this affected his decisions on dating me but I have come to this conclusion.  Why kiss me when no one was looking then? Why kiss me at all if you didn’t want to? I admit.. the first time it happened, my first kiss, I ASKED him to. But he could’ve said no, right?  I don’t know why I am thinking of this person right now. I havent seen him in well over a year. He’s in a commited relationship and I don’t think I really remember what he looks like.  But i remember how he  tastes. The thrill in my stomach when i think of him. I want something else to take this place of that  feeling. I worry this feeling is what has caused me to over eat sooo much this year. To know i truly lost him. We’re not even friends anymore and we were really really good friends. I wish there was someone else out there for me. I wish someone wanted to touch me NOW… even if it is when no one is looking. Isn’t that sad?? But anyway. I am just saying I’m 22 now. I met him when i was sixteen. Shouldn’t I be over this now? Or is this all only because I havent found anyone else to fill in the hole in my heart?


6 thoughts on “not exactly FETCH

  1. I’m 23 and have never been kissed or even been on a date (how fucking lame I feel admitting this). Of course I want it. I crave it all the time, just wanting to be desired or held in someway. I just went on this crazy trip and cut my hair because some guy who I considered a friend told me that my hair was sexy. I went from flattered to a fucking homicidal raging maniac.

  2. dont feel lame ive only kissed guys never did shit else… we r special in this way i guess. what do u think triggered such an emotional outburst from the compliment? were u afraid or not used to such niceties?

  3. I don’t know what triggered it, I’ve been exploring that in my head. It may be a combination of being afraid and not being use to it, but probably more afraid. I also kept thinking “Is this hair going to be the only reason someone likes me.” I always get compliments on my hair, but that compliment was different because I knew the guy and we’ve had multiple conversations.

  4. True, which is why I knew there was something wrong with me when I made it a big thing lol. But at least I didn’t go Britney and go bald, that would so not be a good look for me.

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